6 Ways to Label L-O-V-E (because we all love labels): the Ancient Greeks’ Words for Love

Happy February. As part of my challenges for 2020, writing a minimum of one blog post per month made the list. Having a hard time thinking of a good topic for this month, I asked my friend sitting next to me at the cafe. “Oh my gosh, write about LOVE.” I cringed, but here we are.

I don’t believe in love. More specifically, I think there are multiple kinds of love, and there is one kind that I don’t believe in. I don’t believe the fairy-tale, all encompassing, “love will prevail” kind of love that they sell us in movies and stories. No, love can’t beat a super villain that can throw buildings with their mind. That kind of love makes you do dumb, stupid things where you end up dead. You do not live happily ever after. Those narratives have lied to us. They have sold us false promises.

The existence of different kinds of love is, unsurprisingly, quite explored (unsurprising because everything is about love, everyone wants love, and yet nobody really understands what it is). I’ve read a few articles here and there that categorize them to 3 – 9+ types of love. But who really needs 9 types of love when we’re struggling to understand even one? I digress. 

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, let me share a few stories about my experiences, through the lens of the ancient Greeks’ 6 words for love. Two mundane reasons why I chose this article: first, I’m currently taking a course in the classics department about ancient Greek medicine and it’s been quite compelling. Second, my favorite number is 6. Also these words make you sound cultured and well-read. 

 

 

• Eros (sexual passion) 

 

This love is named after the Greek god of passion and lust – the word ‘erotic’ comes from his name. This kind of love was not always viewed in a positive way. It’s the dangerous, fiery, make-you-do-irrational things kind of love. It’s also the kind of love people are referring to when they say, “falling madly in love.” 

I’ve certainly had this type of interaction, maybe even more than once. But I would’ve never thought to call it love, at least with the definition I had grown to understand. I felt like it was more on the edge of infatuation, or pure desire. It was in these moments where I had lost total ability to think about anything else. I didn’t care about food or sleep (very unlike me). Eventually your irresponsible decisions catch up with you, teetering on the edge of obliteration… which is why I find this the most intoxicating – and thrilling – type of ‘love’ here.

 

 

• Philia (deep friendship) 

 

Philia is something we’ve all likely felt at some point in our lives. This is the friendship love, the kind that’s easy to say “I love you!” to your friend upon departure. One example is brothers in arms that have fought side by side. Perhaps bonding through stressful events, or just true moments shared with another soul. 

If you’ve ever played on a sports team or have done some kind of dedicated group activity, you’ve likely felt this. I certainly feel this for my coworkers at Cirque Du Soleil, and more recently for my ultimate frisbee team at Stanford. There’s a sense of loyalty, and sacrifice that comes with this love.

Storge is a parallel love that is often mentioned in this context – it’s the love between parents and children. In the same vein, it’s about sacrifice and putting them before yourself.

 

 

• Ludus (playful)

 

This is a playful love seen between children or casual lovers. It involves flirting and teasing, and doesn’t muddle with responsibilities of more serious connotations. I think ludus is tantalizing, yet fleeting. It’s so easy to transition from a fluttery love like this, to any of the other loves. As soon as one side moves on to another kind of love, the expectations change and the fun ends.

I think about this playful love as the feeling when you go out dancing with strangers. A trance-like atmosphere surrounded by unknown people, someone catches your eye. You spend the next few hours spinning, chasing, flirting, all with the understanding that nothing serious needs to come out of this interaction beyond a few good songs. It’s freeing.

 

 

• Agape (love for everyone)

 

Agape might be the least realistic love (in my opinion) for humans. I think the number of people who actually have this selfless love is few. It’s a love of charity, and of universal kindness. It’s about loving everyone and everything – a love for the world. 

However, I’ve had a few moments where I felt this, and at the time it felt like more of an epiphany – maybe I just didn’t have a word for how I was feeling. One moment I clearly remember is when I was at a picnic with my coworkers next to a river in Nagoya. The sun was bright overhead, and the wind was blowing the giant paper koi fish tied to a string, high in the sky. My head rested on my friend’s leg as she braided my hair in intricate patterns. Someone was playing a handpan nearby. Light conversations whispered through the air, laughter following close behind. In that moment, I felt peace and appreciation for life that I’d never felt before. My mind didn’t race with stresses of tomorrow, or mistakes from yesterday. I felt philia for my friends around me, for the fresh air and the blue sky, for the scent of fall leaves in the air. It was ephemeral. 

 

 

• Pragma (longstanding love)
  

  This love is a mature, realistic love that can be found among long-established couples. It’s about compromise, and the ability to make a relationship work over time. Showing patience and tolerance is characteristic of pragma. This is about “standing in love” instead of “falling in love.” It’s important to make an effort to give love, rather than to just receive it.

This may be a love I haven’t met yet. Perhaps with parents and family? It takes compromise and patience to retain familial relationships – it’s kind of built into the contract. But to me, this seems like the love that develops down the line, perhaps between a married couple or long-term business partners. Maybe someday.

 

 

• Philautia (love of self)

 

An interesting love to end on. Philautia is about loving yourself. However, there are two sides to this – it can lead to narcissism, instead of the ideal healthy expansion of one’s own wider capacity to love. You’ve likely heard it before, that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Taken in moderation, this type of love can make you a fuller, more pleasant person. 

Overdose of this love can quickly lead down a dangerous path, as we’ve all seen in people around us (and maybe even ourselves?). It’s important to be conscious about the fine line between an ego trip and a healthy appreciation of the self as a full human being. I think it’s good to err on the side of more love for yourself, though.

…

That’s a lot of love and Greek words. Do these categories seem legitimate to you? When I first read about them, I could call upon very particular moments and relationships that I could fit into these boxes. It was nice to have a new word to describe them, rather than our heavy ‘love’ that we have today. Do you have examples of these kinds of love in your life? Let’s talk about it.